Lyme Disease Halts Our Aspirations

​If you're anything like me then your life has been frozen.  All the aspirations and intentions you had were placed on a temporary but inadvertent hold.  It doesn't matter how old you are in this life, you will always have some type of goal or purpose to fulfill otherwise their is no joy in life. 

Being that I am young, I would naturally have different aspirations placed on hold compared to someone who is 20 years older than I but that doesn't mean they're any more important.  Pleasure is the intended outcome of any experience in life regardless of your age.

Since I am 23 years old, I will advocate for my generation first.  The Lyme hit me at a time in my life where crucial decisions would determine my destiny.  I was in college, I was working full time and I had the freedom and the energy to explore the world.  Now, you can attempt these duties at any age but there is an expectation of society to strive for them while you're young and being that I haven't really attempted or finished either, it has hit me hard.

Friends of mine are graduating college and finding great internships or even landing a high paying full time job.  Even those of my friends who I was close to before Lyme are doing things that I just can't at the moment, such as being in a relationship.  Being committed to someone in a relationship while having Lyme Disease is like trying to start a car that doesn't have any gasoline.  Sure someday, my good days, I'd swear I'd never had Lyme and could carry on with my old life but when a bad day comes along, it quickly reminds me of the life I have frozen.  It's a horrible tease.

If you have Lyme Disease, there is no doubt in my mind that you've had these thoughts enter yours.  Many times I feel that I will remain in this state of existence forever and being that the human brain believes what it thinks regardless of factual considerations, that leads to other nonfactual thoughts.

Time has frozen and I would even go as far as to say that those with Lyme have lost their ability to understand the concept of time.  Time doesn't exist.  When I look back on the time I have been ill and laying in bed, it has flown by.  I can't recall anything accomplishing that I've done since being disabled and that really hits home.  Holidays, birthdays and love don't mean anything.  I understand what they are but all they have been to me for far too long are just words.  I currently have my Christmas tree up and it means nothing to me.  There is no passion for anything and I yearn for it so much.  

People ask me what is one of your worst symptoms and I would really honestly have to say my loss of passion and emotions.  God emotions are so powerful and you don't realize how grand they make your life until they're taken away.

For those who are older than I, I can only guess as to what aspirations you've placed on hold.  I'm sure many of you are missing out on your children's or even grandchildren's lives.  You get to see them grow up but that is it.  You receive no pleasure in return from the experience of having kids.  They've just become people who you know you have to love and that is all that really spawns from the experience.  This is what Lyme has done to you and it's not your fault!

I can't stress enough how much I yearn for the life I once had.  All the love, all the purpose, all the fun and all the pleasure that I can't have now.  It really makes you numb.  It really makes you question how long you must live like this or even why you must!  Does the bacteria not have any compassion?  Surely it is a living thing and must be capable of making choices based on the interest of itself and others.  The demise of our lives is proof of that but our barrier is communication.  Since we cannot communicate, the only choice we are left with is war and war it will get.  War that will suppress the hell that has plagued this body for far too long.  War that will destroy the inhibition of the life I choose to live.  A war that will annihilate a creation designed to destroy.