I think about every aspect of my life being affected in some way or another by Lyme Disease. You know, I've lost good friends, I had to drop out of college, I became incapable of working a job at all but what really hits home is the loss of passion to embrace these treasures.
Did you ever just stop to look at something? Whether you hate or love it, there is a passion that burns deeps. You feel a certain way about its existence and in turn you become connected to your surroundings.
I feel disconnected from my surroundings.
I don't know whether to refer to it as an inability to feel or just an extreme disdain.
I am grateful though that it doesn't come around too often anymore. A true indication of healing.
My life has changed and in return, I have come to terms and accepted the fate.
You know, I truly feel the human body is an incredibly feat of engineering. I've long pondered its limits and what it takes to truly bring it to its knees. The constant reeling, the pain, the neglect, the suffering, the isolation, but for whatever reason it has still eluded me, my heart continues to beat. For that, I am extremely grateful.
My mind, in order to cope with this plague, has in a sense been forced to think and dwell beyond its most unimaginable capabilities. I would have never dreamed that my thoughts would enter such a state of protective and determined contemplation.
I find myself always wondering. Curiosity is something that I just can't seem to take a break from. It is the greatest accomplishment to understand and with determination and passion, one can. Though the answer may not always be obvious or placed before your eyes, everything that you need to find it with rests inside of you.
I find self doubt to be a perfect candidate for failure. Ignoring one's capabilities sets the course for the unachievable.
I haven't figured it out and I may never but there is a fire that continues to burn inside each and every single person. Those who need it the most will understand it's true potential at the point of impending and inevitable destruction. No matter how hard we're beaten down, no matter how much fear we generate, no matter how much desire we contemplate, in the end, you still have everything you've become.
Someday I'll look back at this time in my life. I'll feel a certain way. A way that I am not capable of ever predicting at this point in time. I may never remember how I truly felt during these scornful days as the understanding and emotions may be unique to this period of time in my life.
The truth is that if I exist, a new love will reign with passion, appreciation and extreme gratitude for everything that my body has succeeding in accomplishing to get me there. It is my greatest love.