There has got to come a point where doctors, friends and family have to agree on what reality is and the reality is that Chronic Lyme Disease exists.
It not only exists but people are dying from it.
Unless I take the necessary precautions, I am literally dying just a little bit more everyday.
You know, when I tell you that I am ill and have a bacterial infection drilling into the cells of my body, I'm not O.K.
And don't think for one second that my exterior reflects the sheer pain and torture that is destroying my insides.
"Well he never mentioned cancer so he'll be fine."
Listen to the words that are coming out of my mouth. Comprehend and understand their intended thought.
Realize that what I am going through is nothing short of the most inconceivable struggle to sustain life and sanity that no human being should ever have to face!!
You are my friend. You are a human being and you are capable of understanding critical thought.
The words that spawn from my mouth in the most non intrusive way are in reality the biggest cry for help.
Why can you not see the pain I am dealing with?
Why can you not at least give me some of your time to explain myself?
I'm not looking for a sympathy card of any kind!
Do you really believe that a person would quit their job, avoid their friends and family, stay in bed all day, engulf a ton of medication on a strategically planned schedule and cry many nights alone in their own bed all for attention?!?!
Who the hell are you to not stop for a minute and completely avoid considering the tiniest possibility that I may actually be hurting here!?!?
Maybe you should stop for a second.
Let all that exists carry on without you for just a moment and look into my eyes.
Can you not see into my soul?
Can you not see and hear the cry for help?
Why can you not see what I have wanted you to believe for so long?
I want you as a human to see beyond my misleading exterior and peer into the core of my soul and touch what I have forever wanted you to feel.
Yesterday was pretty bad. I had reached a point, like I have many times before, where I contemplated my existence and purpose.
No thoughts of suicide or anything like that but I can totallyunderstand how Lyme could drive someone to it.
I will never blame someone for trying to end their suffering.
Unexpectedly, today turned out to be a really good day.
I checked the mail and had received a Christmas card from my best guy friend whom I have known since Middle School
He knows what I'm going through and gives me my space but the fact that he reached out to me with words of concern for my health in the card stopped me in my tracks.
After a while you start to question your friends faithfulness and usually the answers you conjure up are wrong.
I then went out and got my hair cut, which I had not done in 6 months or for those who know, since my band broke up.
Great morale booster.
While waiting for my haircut, I carried on a conversion with an elderly woman who wanted me to help her test her hearing aid. That alone was worth the trip.
Since I was feeling pretty good, I then decided to grab some more young coconuts at Whole Foods to make some more coconut yogurt.
At Whole Foods I ended up running in to a friend who is also an employee and he asked how things were going.
I haven't told too many people of my diagnosis but I ended up telling my him.
He totally understood and had mentioned that a girl in my graduating class from high school 2006, also had it.
I never talked to the girl but I knew of her and in a sense felt compelled to reach out to her.
My friend has also asked how my band was doing and I told him that we disbanded. I think he already knew but I don't see him that often so we forget what we talk about previously.
Anyways, he had mentioned that he recently picked up the drums and wanted to jam with me tomorrow.
I haven't played with anyone in quite sometime but I told him I would surely be there if I was feeling up too it.
How quickly we create a purpose for ourselves despite being led to question our own existence.
The foundation of a dream is based entirely off of memories buried within our subconscious
The memories are buried so deep that we can not access them in our conscious state
They can only be reached while asleep
Some memories are so unfamiliar that we question their existence.
Could a memory with no trail of birth come from an experience of our own?
Lyme has surely prohibited any access into our subconscious or conscious realm for far too long
With Lyme, memories are normally inaccessible and usually we are numb and feel nothing at all
But things are changing
My dreams as of recently have become so vivid, realistic, emotional and nostalgic
It is almost as if a barrier to my prelyme psyche has been breached
The way I use to think
The way I use to feel
The memories I use to recall are flourishing back in an expected and overwhelming way
It can only be a true indication of healing
I am scared though
I am scared that one day when I am beyond this hell, I will face a new one
A new reality
The reality that relationships can't just continue where they left off
The reality that many days of my life will feel as if they were wasted
That even though I beat Lyme Disease, the life I will reclaim once again will have expired
For so long the Lyme has created an impenetrable security from the outside world
And when it has departed, it will have taken one last shot
I will come to realize that I will not be the only aspect of my life that needs to be repaired
Welcome To My Blog!
The LyBlog will focus on my personal battle with chronic Lyme disease,