I currently aim to write a blog post at least once a month. Those of you who have followed me from the start know that the rate at which I wrote was sometimes daily. Well why has the rate dropped so drastically? Well, to be blunt.. I'm healing.
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It's true. I am healing. Each day is surely another step in the right direction but I'm not quite there yet. I'm still fighting my battles and even in the dawn of remission, it's still hard to cope.
I think about every aspect of my life being affected in some way or another by Lyme Disease. You know, I've lost good friends, I had to drop out of college, I became incapable of working a job at all but what really hits home is the loss of passion to embrace these treasures. Did you ever just stop to look at something? Whether you hate or love it, there is a passion that burns deeps. You feel a certain way about its existence and in turn you become connected to your surroundings. I feel disconnected from my surroundings. Things have been very strange as of recently.
My brain fog has been prominent but it hasn't been at the level of intensity and debilitation it provided me with in the beginning of treatment. Also my memory has been improving drastically. I'm in no way implying that I am completely healed or in remission from Lyme Disease but there isn't a doubt in my mind that the protocol I have been on for the past 7 months has been healing me at the fastest rate possible. On the 16th, I had my birthday and turned 24 years of age. Even though the birthday wishes felt to me as an obligatory custom, they did reprise a sense of belonging. That a life still exists for me and it's waiting for my return. Yesterday I had visited my N.D. (Naturopathic Doctor) for the first time in a few months and updated her on my status. I told her I was progressively getting better. I knew that my experience would benefit her own education. I told her that my worst symptom, be it neither physical nor mental, was in fact spiritual. It was a lack of passion and an inability to embrace the beautifully simple experiences in life. I told her that if I were to sit on a porch and simply gaze into the setting of the sun, I could not embrace that moment or reap its soulfully lifting properties. I had become numb. It is as if a fog obstructs the absorption. We also discussed my protocol and what direction I would take with it. I am learning to reappreciate life I've always had an affinity for life but I appreciate it through a new perspective now Lyme Disease is no thief. It is a gift that only you can see through healing eyes I use to wonder how such an entity could be so cruel How something could tear you down to nothing How everything you've ever known, could vanish Then I realized I was looking in the wrong direction Whether I accepted or understood it at all, I had a new normal to attend to. I am learning to let go of what I have for so long wished to reemerge I am learning to recreate another past that I will one day yearn for much like I have before I am accepting the indefinite and embracing the continuum Lyme Disease is a gift It is a life changing experience What many are trying to search for, I have been given I am forever grateful to have been given the chance to understand the capabilities of my own being There are experiences that will happen in our life that are beyond our control We must learn to accept and embrace them We must let go of what no longer exists Though my healing is not complete, I am spawning a mind that contemplates what is surely to come In time, this will all be a memory Even Lyme Disease use to not exist in my life much like what will come after it And as what will come after Lyme Disease will one day be my existence, like I, Lyme Disease will carry on.. The foundation of a dream is based entirely off of memories buried within our subconscious
The memories are buried so deep that we can not access them in our conscious state They can only be reached while asleep Some memories are so unfamiliar that we question their existence. Could a memory with no trail of birth come from an experience of our own? Lyme has surely prohibited any access into our subconscious or conscious realm for far too long With Lyme, memories are normally inaccessible and usually we are numb and feel nothing at all But things are changing My dreams as of recently have become so vivid, realistic, emotional and nostalgic It is almost as if a barrier to my prelyme psyche has been breached The way I use to think The way I use to feel The memories I use to recall are flourishing back in an expected and overwhelming way It can only be a true indication of healing I am scared though I am scared that one day when I am beyond this hell, I will face a new one A new reality The reality that relationships can't just continue where they left off The reality that many days of my life will feel as if they were wasted That even though I beat Lyme Disease, the life I will reclaim once again will have expired For so long the Lyme has created an impenetrable security from the outside world And when it has departed, it will have taken one last shot I will come to realize that I will not be the only aspect of my life that needs to be repaired |
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January 2024
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