As I have mentioned before, I completely understand and can even relate why someone who has struggled with Chronic Lyme Disease for so long would contemplate suicide. Never in my life have I endured such hellish torture nor could I have fathomed succumbing to such. I now know what it's like to be brought to your knees before the eyes of sheer malicious intent. The bacteria within is attempting to kill me. That's the cold hard truth and reality of the situation at hand. It's an honest revelation many of us bury in the back of our minds and choose not to acknowledge, but it's there. Every so often this truth resurfaces in my conscious thought and I can't help but feel that I was never as special or significant as I have been lead to believe through out my life. I now understand that I am not untouchable. Fate may have had it that if circumstances regarding my condition with Lyme Disease were much different, I may not have been alive this day.
I find myself at the starting line. The anticipation to start my life once more is running rampant through my veins but the gun of remission has yet to fire. All I can willing be is patient, for I am at the mercy of the herbs coursing through my body.
Dedicating over a year of my life to battling this bacterial infection has taken its toll on my mentality. My impatience is becoming exponentially greater as of recently and it's getting harder to find ways to console and convince myself to be patient. I try to understand that remission will come; just a little more time is needed but that's not satisfying to a brain that refuses to remain useless anymore. A brain that yearns for new knowledge and understanding; the social interaction with my peers; the love and touch felt from another human being. Boy do I yearn badly for such treasures.
It's astounding to me to continuously feel the need to be worthful; accepted; to be a participant in what we humans refer to as life. Why is it that when we're alone and we reflect on our own circumstances, many of us feel we have no purpose? Where does such a desire or need to feel significant come from? How or why do we constantly justify what we've become, what we yearn for, and what we've been left without when we feel dissonance of our own lives?
Sometimes I feel the human brain is too powerful for its handler. A brilliant construction of biological and evolutionary engineering; an animal too big for the cage it's been contained in. I can feel there is so much potential for the human brain to expand, explore, and understand but it can't. It's been tied down and prevented from being set free by a strong tether of an unintellectual status quo It appears to me that there is an intelligence ceiling in our society; that a certain level of thinking will not be reached because of the simple conception that has sovereignty in the minds of our current society.
The brain needs to evolve. It wants to as there is only one direction it can head it. It must be released from the cage that has long since lacked the room for its growth.
There exists answers before our very eyes that explain in great detail what our true purpose is and why life is. We can't see these answers, literally and figuratively, because of the limitations of our minds and biological capability. Imagine though what could be understood if the mind was set free.
For now though, I can only dream. I imagine that once I am beyond the chains of Lyme Disease, I'll be able to satisfy my basic instinctive need to be. To be happy; to prosper; to just be not what I have been for far too long.