You read these stories about people who have suffered greatly from chronic Lyme Disease and/or coinfections and are now completely healed; they suffer no more. And what is obtained during the read may be a renewed sense of hope or inspiration that you yourself could one day achieve what they have. That all the suffering and debilitation could come to end.
Of course restoring hope is no easy task because unfortunately the human brain must be consciously coerced into accepting hope. Living with a chronic illness, the brain naturally falls to hopelessness after a certain period of time. And can you really blame it? There may be restored bouts of hope throughout the endeavor of chronic Lyme Disease, but they seems to depart as quickly as they come - leaving you and the illness to carry on the battle.
Since my last blog post, a lot of great and wonderful events have occurred in my life. The only problem is that I still can not completely generate the emotions that come from such experiences. The depersonalization/derealization (i.e., floating) appears to be everlasting. Many of my physical symptoms are completely gone, but a few remain such as brain fog.
When I look back at the physical state of my body and mind when all of this started, my body was reeling, but my mind was optimistic and still possessed a great desire to enjoy life. Now the opposite is true as my body is no longer reeling, but my mind is. I remember reading long ago that the mind is the last part of the body to heal from Lyme. Whether that is true or not remains to be found.
When I look back at the physical state of my body and mind when all of this started, my body was reeling, but my mind was optimistic and still possessed a great desire to enjoy life. Now the opposite is true as my body is no longer reeling, but my mind is. I remember reading long ago that the mind is the last part of the body to heal from Lyme. Whether that is true or not remains to be found.
Shortly after writing my last post which stated that I would take a break from my Lyme treatment, I shortly thereafter started again. To this day, I am still on the Buhner protocol, and have recently reintroduced Sida Acuta and some other remedies for suspected coinfections.
My problem is this. I don't know what I am fighting besides Lyme. I've never had a complete coinfection panel test performed and my reason is due to their inaccuracies. This isn't to say that I haven't treated coinfections because I have. I had many infection tests performed and run in the beginning when my mind was great and my body was reeling, but I can't help but feel the urge to refrain from getting a test done now since my mind is reeling and my body is nearly better. It seems my mind has control, but I don't have the control I used to have for it.
And even though my body is much better than when all of this started, I still feel there is something else unknown inside of me which is not allowing me to heal 100%. I'm just stuck at around 80-85%.
I am functioning normal in society once more, but normal I am not inside. My body is well enough that it can once more be a part of the machine that I was viciously thrown from long ago, but the effort is enough to just get me by. I am not living, but I am alive. I'm caught in between two worlds, and I know which one I must achieve to be a part of completely once more.
This is the transitional phase of healing from Lyme. No longer am I completely encased in the Lyme world. That shell has been broken, and the light has long since begun to pour in. But the shell itself is still hard to crack.
So I ask you this: Will it ever end? I do find it amazing and profound though that even after everything I've been through, I am still able to recall and yearn for what I remember as normal. That I am not so far gone as to lose sight of what I've pined greatly to be a part of once more.
And I know this life is full of challenges everyday. Your body and mind unfortunately take the blunt of that force. From the inside you have an infection(s) that is wreaking havoc, and from the outside, you find the troubles and nuisances of living as a human.
So I ask you once more: Will it ever end? I don't know, but maybe that's not the right question to ask. You see, asking, "Will it ever end?" suggests that what I am a part of is beyond my control. The reality is that everything I am subjected to on a daily basis with Lyme is completely within my capability to control. So the question I should be asking is: Will I ever give up? And the answer my friends is a stern and stubborn no.
I may not have all the resources needed at the moment to completely heal myself, but I will keep searching. And after all, it is just life, and so long as my heart gives the perpetual effort to beat, I will give the cognitive and conscious effort to support the intentions of its purpose: To live.
| | "I cannot live I cannot die Nothing left to do but try I'm falling underneath your spell Lift you up from your own hell Numb yourself now from the pain Wandering out in the rain" |
